Lotte Bowser on Grief & Loss

We recently had a chat with Lotte Bowser, an inspiring woman learning to live again after loss. As part of our #carepackageforgrief - we thought her words may be a source of comfort for anyone grieving right now, or for those trying to support somebody who is…

As comfortable as you are to do so, please tell us a little bit about yourself, Ben and your journey after loss… 

My name is Lotte, I’m 31 years old and in November last year, I became an ‘unofficial’ widow. I’d been engaged to my incredible fiance Ben for just 11 short months before he passed away in Mexico after an aggressive cancer diagnosis and severe COVID-19 disease. 

He was truly a one-in-7-billion kind of person - the kind that sprinkled fairy dust everywhere he went, and who made peoples’ lives significantly better just by being around. A successful music agent to world-renowned clients, it felt as though he was just getting started and the best was yet to come. 

My life with Ben was the stuff of my wildest dreams, and when he died, I felt as though I died with him. You see, with partner loss, you don’t just lose the physical manifestation of your person. There are few aspects of your life that remain separate from a partner. When he died, I lost my sense of identity, my sense of belonging, of home, a large proportion of my community, and every goal, hope and dream we’d spent the last 6 years working towards together. Career, marriage and family plans gone in a puff of smoke. I couldn’t see beyond the seemingly never-ending darkness that stood before me and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to survive it. 

I knew that I had to find a community of people who understood what it felt like to walk in my shoes. For all of its downfalls, Instagram proved to be a saving grace. I took to sharing my experience of loss and grief online, and connected with thousands of others navigating their own bereavement. Having felt so alone, I found great comfort in the grief community and have since established new connections that’ll be dear friends for life.  

Just over a year on from his passing, the pain remains the same but there is much more space between the big, all-consuming waves of grief. I finally feel as though I can breathe again, and experience genuine joy and lightness. I have come to realise that the two can co-exist without cancelling each other out. This human experience is messy and complex and we are capable of experiencing many different, seemingly contradictory things at once. 

As we move into the festive period, do you have any advice for people that might be around a friend or family member that has been through loss? 

Please remember that this is not necessarily a happy time of year for your grieving friend or family member, like it is for others. Christmas and everything that it entails will likely be very triggering for them and will churn up a lot of emotions. Please grant them the grace to feel and to express whatever it is they need in order to tend to their grief. Patience and compassion is important. 

You radiate such a positive energy and remind others that pain and gratitude can co-exist, help to heal. What would you say is the thing that reminds you to keep on living your best life?

Death is one of the greatest, albeit most painful teachers, in that it makes you realise just how fleeting and precious life really is. To be given the opportunity to live another day is a gift that those we’ve lost could only wish for, and I try to remind myself of that every morning I wake up. I know that Ben would want me to continue moving forwards and to strive to live as meaningful and as joyful a life as I can - on his behalf if not mine - until I join him. I believe that I will see him again one day, and that is also a potent source of strength and motivation for me to keep going, despite the pain.

“Death is one of the greatest, albeit most painful teachers, in that it makes you realise just how fleeting and precious life really is.”

As someone who has suffered such a great loss so recently, what would you say to someone who is just beginning their grieving journey?

I would say that ‘no feeling is final’. I never could’ve imagined reaching a point where the pain of my loss didn’t consume me in every waking moment. Time certainly doesn’t ‘heal all wounds’ in the context of loss and grief, but it makes the wounds a little easier to carry. With the passing of time comes the inevitability that feelings can and will soften. The grief will always be there, but there will be space for lightness and laughter again one day too. Please hold on.

Is there a piece of music that soothes you or helps bring an emotion to the surface when you know you need to simply shift something within? 

Music has been a great catharsis for me in the midst of my grief, as it was at the very heart of mine and Ben’s relationship. My playlist of the releases from the All Day I Dream label is my favourite playlist to cry, scream, move and to dance to. Sometimes words don’t cut it, and we need a non-verbal way of expressing our emotions. I highly encourage moving and shaking things off! 

Finally, thank you for being part of this. We'd love to know how you are doing now and what the next chapter looks like for you.

I recently made an impromptu move to Lisbon in pursuit of a different timeline and change of energy. Stepping beyond the four walls of the past and the trauma that unfolded throughout Ben’s diagnosis has done me the world of good. I am currently focusing on launching a non-profit in Ben’s memory, and on releasing a workbook in support of the grief community. These two projects have both served as a really positive outlet for me to transmute some of my pain and find a sense of purpose for my life in the wake of my loss. I have no idea what's next from here on out, but then none of us know what the future holds, do we? I try to take things step by step, one day at a time. This perspective helps to make my grief feel more manageable, and allows me to find gratitude and contentment with the 'now'.

Follow Lotte’s journey…

For more love, light and wisdom from Lotte, follow her on Instagram. It sounds like there’s a lot more to come from her, to support those in a similar position and treasure the memory of her beloved Ben. Much like how I created Leaven as something I needed in my darkest hour, she’s found a way to create something that will bring comfort to more than just herself, but for many others grieving.

Sending love.

S x