Guest Post: Battle with the self
My adult life has been a series of mini battles, mainly with myself with which I have not always been fully present. When I look back now, I see how I drifted with little focus between two conflicting paths. On the one hand, the desire to follow my intuition and pursue a purpose; on the other feeling trapped by an intense fear to fulfil a warped sense of duty, instilled in me by my parents, to get a normal job and fit quietly into the system. Herein began a cycle of piercing inner conflict and self-destruction triggered by the need to secure my parents’ approval at the cost of following my heart, own inner compass; ultimately what felt right for me.
The corporate world left me feeling numb, nauseated by monotony, the endless sea of grey desks, the mindless tasks to fill 8 hours of the day before freedom was permitted. Leaving never felt like an option, a deep sense of shame, guilt, of being a disappointment seemed more powerful than the idea of my happiness. I quickly discovered an eclectic array of unhealthy distractions and started living a double life. I was bright but bored, a dangerous combination. Auto pilot switched on during the week and giddy hedonism reigned at the weekend. Initially what veiled itself as a liberating release became in itself another world I felt trapped by.
I would last about a year in a job, be removed, have a few months off and then go back into the same unhappy cycle. Crash and burn, highs and lows extended into every area of my life. My choice of friends and partners – self esteem confidence took a knock and was hard to recover from. But recover from them I did. This happened about 5 times each time I would hit rock bottom and each time muster the strength to rise again.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall” - Confucius
I can now see my life as a repeating pattern of self-destruction, followed by a re-birth. The destruction came when I failed to remove myself from a situation I was unhappy in of my own volition and a painful extraction would come to steer me onto a new course. I couldn’t see for myself the path I should be on. Without direction you can easily float into situations that are unsustainable – but they can be good, if painful life lessons. I once worked 24/7 for a billionaire, who treated me very poorly, I was severely bullied but I sat back and took it, not thinking myself worthy of better and worried of losing the job and having nothing. In hindsight if I had had the courage to stand up to him I could have steered onto a new path. But I also feel grateful for the experience as it was a great lesson to have the strength to speak my truth.
It took stepping out of the repetitive cycle and only then, when I was able to step back to take a long hard look at where I had been. I took a few months out, travelled and engaged in a practice of self reflection. I started doing ‘the work’, the work I’d avoided for years - on myself.
I journaled, I started to be aware if I felt triggered or agitated and write it down and breathe. Awareness threw light onto this cyclical pattern, awareness has supported me to transform.
Human learning is trial and error, an opportunity to gain perspective, learn to accept ourselves, including our mistakes. At times, it’s not comfortable, nor pretty. Through self reflection I have began the biggest battle there has been; myself. And as they say in battle; no guts, no glory. We never stop learning in reality. We approach our truth gradually depending on our individual experiences. There is not right or wrong, it’s all a valuable learning experience, its recognising we cannot avoid it. No more battles now, I surrender.
By Alba - our anon contributor
