Unconditional Love

My first experience of marriage, of love, wasn’t the nicest kind if I could call it love at all now in hindsight.

It was more of a heady cocktail of youth, low self-esteem, lust, socially acceptable alcoholism, admiration, expectations of a saviour and Daddy issues, meant I married the wrong man. Through lack of self-confidence and belief, lack of boundaries and ultimately a man who was slightly older than me who played on my insecurities. It was Maya Angelou who said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If only I had the wisdom then to see what was before me. There were expectations of what a relationship should be, I was looking for others to save me, to show me that I mattered.

From one night stands loving my curves, friends loving my style, eagerly waiting for the likes from followers on socials, I found it so easily and vicariously, that I thought that was it. I settled for crumbs. Thinking this was love and when I challenged or queried it, to quote my ex “this is as good as it gets”. Seeking in all the wrong places, I had built a mirage and false notion of love. Until I came to my senses, halfway across the world, stripped bare of all the props of friends and family, left with myself. You can’t hide from yourself, everywhere you go, there you are. And I finally had nowhere to hide. To add another layer, it all coincided when I came off the pill (that’s a whole one topic, I’ll save for another day!). I wanted more. I wanted the whole cake. I wanted to feel love fully and completely. I courageously started to listen to the whisperings of my soul and decided enough was enough. Where to find this thing called love?

It was not easy. Being in Shanghai, in a relationship that was strained, an architects widow I was left mostly alone to find myself a network of friends, to establish myself. It was the perfect gift, space and distance to think and simply be. But who was I? I began the deepest journey, one I am still navigating in fact. I came to realise, if I live in the eyes of others when they are not there, I am nothing. If nobody tells me I am beautiful, am I still beautiful? Am I still loved and worthy of love? If no one tells me I am kind and brave, then am I kind and brave? If no one liked my status updates or acknowledge my experience, did it even happen, am I even seen?

Needing other people’s love and validation, based on conditions of some invisible contract was exhausting. But what they say is true, focus on yourself and the magic will happen.

Recognising I was not in the right relationship, one that had become all about me serving and not reciprocated, I knew it was over. It had never been right, I just wanted love so badly I let the dreams and expectations cloud me. I bravely moved from Shanghai to Hong Kong, alone, with a bag of clothes and a heart full of spirit. Knowing I would never be going back to the old ways or relationship, I embarked on awakening and finally getting to know and love myself.

I bathed myself in beauty and self-love. I hiked alone, I dined alone. I went to gigs alone. I even went to bars alone. Dating myself in a dizzying delight of a new city. I got to know a few faces along the way, but ultimately it was me I took home each night. I cried alone.

Even soothing myself when feeling lonely, an uncomfortable and awkward process when my default was to reach for someone or something to soak it all up for me. But I sat with it. I looked within. I did the self-work. 

I would say it’s a life’s work, an ongoing practise, which takes effort and commitment but by doing the work, by going within and seeking stillness, seeking love from myself, changed me. It gave me confidence. Not being full of self-esteem or self-confidence when I was young, nor shown that the only opinion that mattered was my own, ensured I spent most of my life looking for love from others. I now know, it’s me who fills that cup. It’s made me approach motherhood more consciously, recognising how important it is, to instil self-love deeply in our little ones. Many of you may have been through the same.

It was liberating to learn that the love I needed was from myself. Being held by others helps lift and boost, like a nice top-up. My life in Hong Kong was all about me. Fulfilling my needs and understanding my true desires. I was content and happy to be doing this solo. Living my best life. That is then, how I ended up deeply in love with someone new, out of the blue.

This time it was different. A friendship that evolved into something rather subtly and gradually like you’re walking in the rain, then the sun comes shining down too. I resisted at first, fearful of drowning in someone else. But I recognised this time that I was whole, I was different and this feeling was like nothing before. It was a respectful, equal, mutual love and I guess an adult approach to love and relationship. It wasn’t plain sailing as I am only human, and was still deep in my self-work of how not to seek validation through others and love. 

But as the months passed, we were becoming inseparable. As if we were fuelled by each other. We wanted the best for each other and my love had no conditions. I recognised that I wanted to be with this man, a love without limitations. Love with no bounds, unfaltering; true.

I began to understand that Love is a verb. A doing word, as Massive Attack profoundly states. And it all starts within.

Unconditional love for yourself, is the work, a practice. Understanding what makes you, you. Accepting, loving ourselves is the most powerful play there has ever been. When we work on ourselves, love ourselves, I truly believe we are magnetic to those around us, to our true desires and wants and needs. And we get to choose who we let in; our partners have a lot to do with the relationships we have with ourselves. Love won’t be with conditions, as we will have filled our hearts. There is nothing to prove to anyone but ourselves. The extra is just the cherry on top. A bond of trust, which only gets deeper as time goes by. People who truly love you, bathe you in light, want nothing but the best for you, radiating warmth and goodness. 

This all became tested when my true love Rob, suffered a catastrophic brain haemorrhage, some of you may know the full story from when I have shared it before on this platform. A life-shattering experience that fractures everything. Yet here we are. Six years on, we are stronger than ever. A nurse even remarked that she had seen marriages of twenty years break down in similar circumstances and had respect for me. I tried to explain that the love we had for each other in the beginning was pure and joyful, not conditional or self-seeking. It was founded on respect for ourselves and in turn each other. And the night before that fateful day, we committed to each other. Falling asleep on a promise, with a cross-stitch of limbs. And I have stayed true to that promise and simply radiated the love Rob needed, to remind him he was loved by me and had a reason to fight. I held space for him to simply be. I have less than I have ever had yet feel rich beyond measure. I recognise that it’s all fuelled by the love for myself to be able to radiate it all back to Rob.

I have held on to the fact that I am loved by me too, filling my heart and soul and kept doing the work, even when it’s been dark and wretched and all I have wanted is to sabotage myself. It’s a risk to let someone in, but as I have learnt, a deeper one to not let even your love find you. Don’t falter. Believe in something, believe in yourself, even if it means sacrificing everything you thought you knew. As ultimately, it’s the love, integrity and truth that will guide you through. I believe in love.

By Syreeta Challinger

This piece was originally published on theheyday.ie